Tuesday, November 28, 2006

An Unwanted Journey: Day 0370 - Embarrassment

Even now, 2 months after the end of chemotherapy, things happen in my body that I have been unable to predict. Last night, for instance, I was up every half hour visiting the washroom from 2:00 am to the time I had to leave for work. While at work, I was very uncomfortable, not to mention tired. But the worst of it was that the urgency to visit the washroom was totally unpredictable. I was in the middle of a long meeting when the feelings struck without warning. Still, trying to escape as quickly as possible, I couldn't hide the expulsion of gas. Truly, truly embarrassing.

Thursday is the day of my annual follow up colonoscopy. Maybe it's some kind of psychosomatic function of worry. Maybe it's nothing but the new normal for a man with almost no rectum. If so, I guess I'll learn to live with it, embarrassment and all. But I don't really have anyone to ask about experiences like today now that I'm recovering. It's personal guesswork.

One of the books I've read in the past year talks about the dangers of universaling life's problems. I understand that some people do so. Occasionally I may do that as well. But these days, my bones, muscles, tendons are all complaining loudly. I'm moving like I'm 80 years old and have never exercised in my life. Is that universalizing? If so, I'm embarrassed to admit it.

Thursday afternoon, after a successful colonoscopy, I'll be thinking more clearly and particularizing my bodily complaints!

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